Author: Brianna Goldberg

Awesome Retorting Lady Writers Repeatedly Rejected by Esquire (link)

Brianna Goldberg

Lady Writer

I love this article on The Gloss by Andrea Kasprzak and Megan Baldwin SO, SO MUCH.

As a lady who pitches at least a half-dozen concepts per day, I can say it’s a real exercise in psychological strength to deal with the silence.

Rejection? That I can take. But the silence… the non-acknowledgement of this pitch that I’ve taken so long to think up and craft? Grrrr. And then there’s the mania of inner dialogues this wall of silence leads to, alternately angry at and accommodating to the shhhhhhh so quiet editors. They’re busy. But how long does it take to send back a “No thanks”? But they must get thousands of submissions like this each day. But isn’t it their job to try to work with writers? I shouldn’t have bothered them with my pitch. But isn’t that how they populate their publication? But mine was probably crap. But I’m not THAT MUCH of a a dum-dum, and I always use spell check, so what’s the big problem? GLARRWRRRGGHHHHH.

Recently I sent out a slew of pitches specifically to women’s blogs (HEY GIRLS! YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE! Like what you’ve done with your hair. Call me!) and tried an experiment. After not hearing back from a few places after a week, I wrote back thanking them for their consideration and asking if they had any suggestions for how I could shape future pitches so they might be of interest, because, gee golly, I’d really love to write for them some day and could use some constructive feedback.
And the request was in earnest. Like, maybe I accidentally included too many f-words in the pitch? (Kidding…?) Anyway.

*Cricket chirps*

I love that these chicks writing for The Gloss just kept at it with Esquire, that’s exactly the tone I’ve been taking, and I’m glad to know that solid writers out there are also taking on The Wall of Silence by trying to knock it down with humour and persistence rather than retreating in shame.

Nice one, ladies.

Awesome Retorting Lady Writers Repeatedly Rejected by Esquire (link)

5 Things I Learned By Having A Face Parasite (Nigeria– Love youuuuu!)

Brianna Goldberg

Lying on a doctor’s table here in Nigeria last Sunday, I learned, to my nigh-barfy horror, that the big red sore spot on my face was neither pimple nor boil, but in fact a critter who had been couching himself in my chin for approximately two weeks.

In that moment of truth, I learned a lot about myself. I learned that I am the kind of person who can faint in public (WHO KNEW? I aced that Hepatitis B vaccine in Grade 7, no probs!). I learned that I don’t like having multiple cell organisms live in my visage.

But this was not the end of my learning process. And so for those of you who have not yet had face parasite revelations, but are curious of such life lessons, let me enlighten your day:

1) Vanity. It’s not just in the title of my favourite magazine and 19thC novel…

I’m still wearing the same clothes I owned in undergrad (seriously— these pants I’m sporting today are from The Gap circa 2004). I rarely put on makeup and when I do it’s concealer, eyeshadow, mascara, MAX. I don’t care what people think of my looks— it’s what’s on the inside that counts, any children’s show will tell you that. But as soon as I got a giant swollen critter-filled lump on my face? I just wanted to crawl in a hole and interact only with a robot puppy for the rest of my life.

2) It is possible to discern between pain that is regular pain and pain that results from “burrowing.”

Can’t blame the guy for wanting to get comfy, but come on…

3) Sometimes it’s best NOT to be the perfect host.

This is one of those times.

4) Sticking needles into one’s face goes much easier when one is listening to The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill on noise-cancelling headphones.

Just skip over “Ex-Factor” and you’ll be fine.

5) Promises of ice cream cones are the way to prevent The Host from folding herself into the fetal position at the side of the road after the clinic visit.


Cones, people, cones— this is crucial. None of this “bowls” of ice cream crap. You can try, but it won’t prevent the roadside fetal curl.

P.S. RIP Perry Mangostein, the Mango Fly Parasite. You taught me whole new manners of being angry and hurty and for that you will be remembered. Bet you never thought you’d be immortalized on the internet, did you? Welcome to immortality, you burrowing bum.

Fans! They’re not just for stinky Pre-Modern Ladies Anymore! (link)

Brianna Goldberg

Fan!

Throughout history, fans have been used for a whole slew of reasons: for dance, for fighting, for modesty…and of course, for cooling down! These convenient little tools can fold away to easily fit into a purse or clutch, and are a great way to beat the heat at weddings, or just when you’re on the go.

Well, finally a second language I’m interested in learning:

Language of Fans

!!!!!

Fans! They’re not just for stinky Pre-Modern Ladies Anymore! (link)