So, I’ve been quite the bleary-eyed little insomniac lately. This shenanigan has been going on for about a month now and is really starting to take a toll on my general outlook on life and interpersonal reactions. I’ve done all a lady can do to try to banish the sleepytime anxieties. I read, I light candles, I drink cider with bourbon in it, I breathe deeply and contemplate the forms… and yet I’m still kicking off my covers like a madwoman around 3am wondering why it’s so hard to perform this necessary biological function of rest.
I did something EXTREMELY unlike me and joined a yoga studio. It all feels weird and wonky. I’ve traditionally been very non-yoga in my leanings. I just don’t really enjoy group exercise activities and I’m always worried I won’t be doing it right and will get called out by the instructor. I’ve gone about eight or ten times with friends, to a variety of places, and it’s been okay but never really turned my crank. But then Saturday I got a little bloop in my email that there was a Groupon for a month of unlimited Bikram yoga. I have never before used a Groupon, nor done Bikram yoga. But something inside me said, “THIS IS THE ANSWER! THE ANSWER TO YOUR BAD SLEEP JUJU!” And so I bought it and I went to the hot yoga and sweated off half my body weight while stretching and pulling and loudly breathing and resting in 40C heat for 90 minutes and, you know, I actually enjoyed it. I even went back again the next day. I was so sure that this was my ticket to healthiness and anxiety reduction and general awesomeness.
And yet, still no sleepytimes for me.
Today I went to get a flu shot at my local pharmacy and, while waiting, remembered that my doctor had suggested I try melatonin before bed. I searched it out and the only form in which it was available was this: weird chocolate-mint dissolving strips.
This product disturbed me for a number of reasons. First, why is it only available in dissolving strip formula? Can’t I just TAKE A PILL to solve all my problems? Now I have to be reminded of those gross breath mint strips that stick to the roof of my mouth? Second, CHOCOLATE-MINT? Before BED? What, is this supposed to be my dessert? I am so sure they are going to taste like a My Little Pony with those scratch-and-sniff stickers on their butts (that was a thing, right?)… and that doesn’t make me drift of to sleep in a natural, HiI’mDoingBikramYogaNow, kind of zen with the earth way. Lastly, isn’t melatonin a naturally occurring… um… thing? So why is it being packaged in the most gross and artificial way possible? So many questions. So little sleep.
I am so tired of tossing and turning that despite their weird fakenesses I’m going to give these stupid strips a try. I’m ready to eat my words! Yum yum! Tastes like chocolate mint! So if you see me tomorrow with less bloodshot eyes, come up for a snuggle… I bet I’ll have really delightful chocolate mint breath.
Brianna Goldberg 